Miami Girls

I work at the writing and tutoring center at Miami University. In exchange for my work, they cover my insane out-of-state tuition and they give me a stipend. My immediate bosses are some of the coolest people I�ve met. They want to make a difference for students and, because I�m equally optimistic and cheesy, I love that about them. But, most important, the stories this place offers me are priceless.

If you haven�t heard enough of my bitching about Miami University, let me give you a quick refresher (note: the following information does not apply to all students . . . just most of them). Tall, thin, upper-middle class with all the anxiety that entails, eat two carrots for dinner and nothing else all day, rude, self-righteous and crazy religious, world revolves around me, well-educated and still somehow oblivious, high-stress girls. Got it? Now, here are my three examples.

Example #1

A few weeks ago, I was chatting with one of my coworkers. We�ll call her Laura. I happened to mention Billy Blanks (of Tae-Bo fame) while telling a story about my friend Mandy�s amazing ability to kick her ankle above her own head without snapping her own pelvic bones. Here�s the conversation:

Me: Billy Blanks is kind of pervy.
Laura: Oh, he�s totally pervy!
Me: His hilarious uni-tard! And then he�s always touching that blond chick�s stomach and talking about her rocking sweet abs. It�s creepy.
Laura: I know! I love Tae-Bo but I�m always like, �Billy! This is a family video!�

At this moment, another coworker who we�ll call Nancy, sits down next to us and starts eavesdropping. To put it lightly, Nancy is a total nut job. When I first started my job, she gave me advice like, �Tutors respect you more if you use firm business language in all of your e-mail correspondence. It reminds them that you�re their boss.� I sign all of my e-mail with cheers but I don�t think anyone is confused about who can fire them. And yes, she was for real.

So, Nancy says, �I�m familiar with Billy Blanks.� And here is the little gem:

Me: Nancy, you just said that like he�s your brother.
Nancy: No, my mom belonged to his video club. I have a lot of his old videos. He had a special conference in Ohio awhile ago and my mother and I went.
Laura: Don�t you think he�s pervy? You�ve got to admit he�s pervy.
Nancy: Not at all.
Me: What?
Nancy (extremely serious): I really respect Billy Blanks. He uses his Tae-Bo enterprise to witness.
Me: You Tae-Bo for your ass, not for Christ.

After that, there wasn�t anything else to say. At least not to Nancy�s face. If you�re unfamiliar with the term witness, let me explain. To witness means to tell people that you believe Christ is your savior. In this area of Ohio, it also means to tell people that you�re going to heaven. Oh, and by the way, you�re going to hell. Hell, hell, burning hell. Nancy believes Billy Blanks in his pervy outfit, with his smarmy mannerisms near the abs, glutes, and thighs of his workout members, is respectable because he�s spreading The Word. I nearly peed myself.

Example #2

I�m working with a group called Students for Staff. The group is trying to get Miami University to adopt a living wage policy for its staff members (as opposed to minimum wage). Basically, the group is attempting to improve the living conditions of permanent employees of the university by increasing their salaries. We�re in the process of obtaining signatures so we can petition the university. I brought a petition into the office and told people they were welcome to sign it if they wished.

One of Nancy�s assistants (we�ll call her Annie) responded with, �Oh yeah, those people went on strike during my sophomore year. It was really inconvenient so I�m not going to sign anything for them.�

What is wrong with these people?! I told her it was especially inconvenient to try to feed a family of four on $8.00 an hour.

Example #3

Annie�s friend decided to visit Annie at work last week. Her friend was looking up apartments and city locations near a university in Cleveland. She was asking Annie about good places to live. Annie said, �Oh, such and such place is probably a good place to look.� Then, she leaned forward and whispered, �I�m sure you already know this, but stay away from any place that mentions �urban redevelopment� if you know what I�m talking about.�

Yes, Annie, poor people are so fucking inconvenient. It�s too bad you have to share your air with them. Damn breathers.

Welcome to Miami, kids, where the college educated cross picket lines and wear sheets on weekends.