mə-'lär-kẹ n. [origin unknown]: insincere or foolish talk

Evil Cheerleading Gang

November 24, 2006
Well, kittens, do I have a story for you. Yesterday, I took a break from filling out graduate school applications (all—holy god—sixteen of them) and went to an Orphans’ Thanksgiving. I don’t think I need to elaborate on the orphan obsession, but here it is. A bunch of English graduate students got together and had a sort of potluck Thanksgiving dinner, which quickly evolved into a plan of pure evil on my part.

Hannah (a rather eccentric and fabulous poet) pulled a walnut from her pocket sometime during the festivities. She introduced the walnut (who had eyeglasses and a strip of blue hair) as Seamus the Walnut. Before I could really ask what the hell was going on, Hannah pulled out another walnut (this one had a comb-over) known as Eduardo. Apparently, the two walnuts write letters to one another and leave them in the boxes of graduate students. It says something really scary about what graduate school does to otherwise rational people that this did not bother me in the least. I got it. No, really. It’s funny. We’re insane and some of us have pet walnuts who carry on epistolary relationships via the Miami University English department mail system. Okay.

Needless to say, I wanted in. After a semester of books, writing, and trying to avoid writing, I needed a break. This really isn’t a proper excuse for what I did next, but I hope you’ll understand: I stole the walnuts. While everyone was having a grand old time chatting it up, I put Eduardo and Seamus in my jacket pocket. When Hannah realized they were gone, I had to lie (I’m sure unconvincingly) and then get the hell out of dodge, people. Hannah was practically hyperventilating and telling herself quietly, “They’re just walnuts.

What I did next:

1. Went to Wal-Mart with my friend Trav, where we purchased four walnuts (okay, five, I gave one to Finn). I also obtained a cheerleading packet of stickers/decorations for scrapbooking.
2. I decorated four evil cheerleader walnuts and created a jail made of tinfoil. The outfits required serious alterations to fit walnuts.
3. I spent far too much time cutting out letters to make a ransom note that could not be traced back to me.
4. I took photos, created a “fake” e-mail account under the name “evilcheerleadinggang,” and sent the photos to the walnut owners.

So far, I have no idea if the plan has been successfully pulled off. Really, it doesn’t matter. The photographs say it all. I’ve lost my mind. But, hey, Trav and I should be getting a really cool mixed CD on Tuesday.

They’re a fierce bunch of bitches in pink lipstick. To be continued . . .

7:22 p.m. :: comment ::
prev :: next