Malarkey
mə-'l�r-kẹ n. [origin unknown]: insincere or foolish talk

Why MTV Just Isn't Worth It

November 10, 2004

Since I�ve been slaving away at grad-school applications, I have nothing original to say. In the absence of my usual genius (ahem), I�m sharing a recent heartfelt exchange between my good friend [read: high crush factor] and his cable company. We�ll call my friend Byron (DDAGYEO) Shegmitz. We�ll call the cable company something other than its official name so I won�t get sued.

BYRON�S LETTER TO HIS CABLE COMPANY:

monopsony n. (economics): A market in which goods or services are offered by several sellers but there is only one buyer.

monopoly n.: Exclusive control by one group of the means of producing or selling a commodity or service.

Dear Fascists:

Perhaps you are familiar with the aforementioned economics terms. If not, you certainly should be. It�s what your company, [something other than the official name], has been foisting on a subjugated public since its inception in 1963. As your corporation grew in size and in strength, it has come to completely dominate my locale, in [Hell County, Maryland]. If I want cable, I have exactly zero other options for cable television aside from [something other than the official name]. Seizing on your advantageous position in the cable world (no doubt gained by suspect business practices), the prices for your services are astronomical and completely incongruent with similar cable offerings in adjacent counties (see [competitive cable company]).

In addition, your cable packages are clearly skewed. The �basic� option includes nothing but network stations and shitty local junior college programming. What am I supposed to watch, reruns of the Takoma Park Folk Festival every day until I want to drink a bullet? This option, which can more or less be attained through having a good antenna, costs the consumer $14 per month. The next option is your �basic preferred� option, which offers the apparent luxury of ESPN, MTV, VH1, CNN, etc. This package costs the consumer $50 per month. So essentially, your �basic preferred� package is masquerading around as a true �basic� package, while your purported �basic� package is fucking god-awful trash, unfit to be bear the name �cable television.� Yet you�re content to seize on a helpless populace in [Hell County], where we�re desperate to have cable access and see no other viable alternative, other than to order your inflated $50 package. Your practices amount to robbery and you are all suckers of Satan�s cock.

It comes as no surprise to me that such unmitigated filth should stem from your headquarters in Philadelphia, a town known for booing Santa Claus and cheering paralyzed football players. Your city is full of heathens and Neanderthals; whoremongerers and ruffians; soulless suckjobs who feast like parasites off of the plebian misery of us common folk. Plague and famine should befall your rotten city and all those who dwell in it.

It is with foul-hearted rage that I pen this missive, with no other hope than that it should reach the proper figures in your miserable, oppressive corporate regime and that sometime, somewhere, the irreparable economic and psychological harm that you�ve inflicted upon countless blue-collar workers comes back to haunt you.

Fuck you, you cheap honky pimps.

Cordially,
Byron (DDAGYEO) Shegmitz

THE CABLE COMPANY�S RESPONSE TO MR. SHEGMITZ�S LETTER:

Dear Byron Shegmitz,

Thank you for contacting [lousy cable company], regarding further clarification on service in your area. The perception that we have a monopoly on the cable service within any given town or city is simply that, a perception. Our agreements are nonexclusive agreements, made with the cities or the franchise authorities representing those cities, containing many stringent requirements we must meet or risk losing our franchise rights.

Any company interested in providing the same service, at the same price, with all factors equal, can present proposals to the local franchise for consideration. If the local franchise chooses to do so, they can contract with another company to offer an alternative service. Within the industry, this is referred to as over-building, while the companies are referred to as over-builders. This name comes from the fact that they would need to build and maintain their own system of cables from the main hub to the customer�s homes, just as we do.

If you have any further questions please feel free to contact us back by replying to this e-mail. Please feel free to contact us if you have any more questions.

Sincerely,
[some guy, a customer care specialist for the cable company]

Now, didn�t this guy just say that the cable company does have a monopoly? Maybe it�s just me. . .

THE END

11:32 a.m. :: comment ::
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