Malarkey
mə-'l�r-kẹ n. [origin unknown]: insincere or foolish talk

It Ain't Over 'till the Karaoke Lady Sings "All That Jazz"

May 23, 2005
I�m extremely outgoing. If you�re looking for someone to crack a smart-ass joke or gargle the National Anthem, I�m your girl. But if you�re looking for someone to sing the high part in a karaoke duet of Separate Lives of Phil Collins fame, you�ve made a grave mistake in betting on me. But if you run a dive bar where someone is having a birthday party and you offer me cake, it might bolster my sense of camaraderie enough to throw caution to the wind and act like a complete fool for the entertainment of total strangers. And if you have to follow Louie, the ancient leather-clad limo driver who is so good that he can ad lib over instrumental breaks, well, watch out.

My good friend and ex-coworker happens to love karaoke. I�m not even sure that love is a fair assessment. You might love Michael Vartan. You might love soggy cookies made with Egg Replacer because your mom is allergic to eggs. But my friend Mandy has a fondness for, and a dedication to, karaoke the likes of which I�ve never seen. So when she decided to quit her job at our publishing company and move to Peru with her husband who drags her to fruitcake-tossing competitions, (if the link doesn't work, go to: www.public.iastate.edu/~jfiene/FruitcakeTossCompJan05.htm) you bet your asses we were going to have a karaoke hoedown in her honor. And you can also bet that despite my reservations about singing a Phil Collins duet, she put the request slip in anyway and we yodeled and squawked our completely sober way through it. Well, sort of.

The surprising point is that I actually like karaoke. I especially like it when everyone I know shows up, sings far better than I�m capable of singing, and cheers wildly for people who are particularly out of key. It�s even better when strangers yell at you to get up and dance even though you only know two moves: the sprinkler and the monkey. I felt so giddy after the entire event, I wanted to put a down payment on a speaker system and convince my own father that he should free himself of the shackles of oppression and, for God�s sake, karaoke!

The downside of loving karaoke so much that you don�t leave the bar until 12:30 A.M. is that you might get pulled over for turning into the far lane and given a roadside sobriety test even though you are stone-cold sober. You might call your friend at 1:30 A.M. to tell her that if anyone saw you, tell them that you�re just fine and you know that police officer and it is all a big ha-ha joke. Or, you might brag that your blood alcohol level was, in fact, 0.000. This is why I�m going to really, really miss Mandy.

Something tells me that I�ll be experiencing a lot of karaoke festivities. In the past four days, five people at work have given their notice. These aren�t just five random employees�they�re five very crucial employees who have worked for this company for years. There is no denying it at this point. You could sell tickets to the show that is my job. Does COBRA offer coverage for dogs?

Don�t worry, I won�t let you down. And neither will April nor Ali (the master dyer), who invited me to their egg-a-thon this year. Cheer up and look at the magnificence that was my Easter Eggstravaganza. Yes, those are jewels glued to the egg. I don�t know if this treatment makes the eggs toxic. No, those aren�t real birds, but they look pretty lifelike, eh? Don�t cry for me, Argentina. With talent like this, how can I go wrong?


10:04 a.m. :: comment ::
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