Malarkey
mə-'l�r-kẹ n. [origin unknown]: insincere or foolish talk

Edumacation

May 25, 2005
You are looking at one newly enrolled student in the graduate program in creative writing at Miami University. Miami University is located in Oxford, Ohio. I know what you�re thinking: Shouldn�t an educational establishment doing business as Miami University be located in the state of Florida? Shouldn�t there, at the very least, be a Disney theme park within driving distance? For geographers out there, the answer is: Of course not! You can read about it here. While you�re there, check out the cool campus tour. The Facts about Oxford and Miami:

� Over 44 percent of the population is between the ages of twenty and twenty-four.
� Latitude: 39�30'21"
� Longitude: 84� 44'46"
� Elevation: 274m
� Miami University is named after the Miami Indians who settled in the Miami Valley.
� To live in the state of Ohio automatically makes you a friendly and good-natured citizen.
� It appears that every single boy�err, male student�moonlights as a GQ model.
� There is a prevalent spelling problem in surrounding cities. I give you Dean�os Pizza:

The Unauthorized Facts about Ohio

� You don�t have to know how to walk while chewing gum to be considered athletic.

For evidence, I offer you the experience of being invited to join the faculty softball team. I don�t run. I�m not even sure I can still skip while maintaining upright status. But they asked me to join the softball team. (When I discovered that the team name is The Metrotextuals, I realized I had found a home with fellow geeks.) My friend Jess, who hails from Ohio, offered some insight. In Colorado, you only get invited to �athletic� events if you own a $3500 bicycle, have entered at least six rock climbing competitions, and think that participating in a triathlon is good, clean fun. In Ohio, you�re athletic if you get up off of the couch. I can completely revamp my personal image�I�ll be known as that girl on the softball team. Or the girl on the kickball team (they have an intramural team, seriously). This is my chance and I�m going to take it.

� They love them some chili.

The first thing we noticed about Ohio is that the chili establishment-to-person ratio is about 7:1. There seem to be two major chains of what I refer to as Chili Huts. Skyline Chili and Gold Star Chili. If you follow this link, you�ll see why I went for the Chili Hut reference. After two days of nothing but greasy, would-you-like-more-meat-with-your-cheese meals, my father said, �Well, maybe they�re onto something.� Famous last words, I tell you. We went to a Gold Star Chili, where they promptly brought us a bowl of chili for my father, a chilidog for me, and a plate of spaghetti covered in chili. All of these items were topped with no less than two cups of shredded cheese. Why? Why?

In Oxford, the culinary options are many, so I was less worried once we arrived on campus. However, it seems 99.9 percent of all Oxford residents are very pretty people. Where the hell were the chubby people? The fat people? The Round-Ohs? (See below for a definition.) The truth is very, very sad: They were all in a Chili Hut near campus. [Note to Jess�s mom: I just said Ohio had a lot of fat people. I didn�t say that you were fat. You�re not. You�re tiny. You�re probably the skinniest woman I�ve ever laid eyes on, so don�t be upset with me. Besides, I�m like two of you.]

I�m quitting my job on July 15. My four-and-a-half years tour of duty is finally coming to an end. Then, I�m taking my little (okay, okay, fat) dog to Utah so he can have a chance to chase cattle before we pack up our belongings and drive out to my new place that is damn near Kentucky. I�m positive that part of this is karmic payback for years of inbreeding jokes.

During the first week of May, my parents and I flew into the Cincinnati International Airport (which is eerily located in the state of Kentucky) and spent a few days exploring my soon-to-be digs. I signed a lease for a three-bedroom apartment across from an apartment complex called �University Commons.� This roughly translates as �across the street from keg parties galore.� I�ll live with two English graduate students�one in the Composition and Rhetoric program and one in the Literature program. There is an unfenced community backyard where Finn can play. More importantly, where he can get infested with fleas. Have I lost my mind? Don�t I pay attention to the average annual income of fiction writers? Why don�t I just settle down, have kids, and save for retirement? Because I�m a rebel, Dottie. A loner.

Definition: Round oh. Term spontaneously invented by my mother to describe extremely chubby children running out of a grocery store. Can be applied to adults, too. Usage: Be careful! Don�t run over the little Round-Ohs coming out of the store.

10:46 a.m. :: comment ::
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