You Are a Goddess

This weekend, I was invited to a goddess retreat. Now, perhaps you�re thinking exactly what I was thinking: do tell. I�m not one to run away from a potential freak show, so I immediately accepted the invitation and cleared my Saturday night. When Saturday rolled around, I really did not want to attend the party. I wasn�t digging on the solstice. But the Earth Mother had her way. I put on my psychedelic 1960s poochie top and hit my neighbor�s front porch with a bottle of wine in my hand and the spirit of hippie mockery in my heart.

Well, as it turns out, these goddess parties are an excuse to eat and drink�both in excess. Pasta, meatballs (which were made solely out of mushrooms�an obvious abomination), several different kinds of salad, chocolate, chips, salsa . . . you name it, we ate it. Wine, wine, wine. Some sort of top secret drink that happens to be my neighbor�s specialty (fresh peaches, champagne, a little sugar, and mystery alcohol blended into a peach slurpee). Whoo.

The Players

� A pregnant yoga instructor who brought her four-year-old daughter along.

� A downtown bartender who is addicted to yoga and volunteered her own Buddha Jams: The Ultimate Mix CD.

� A Brazilian woman who pimped her educational books to me and then told the four-year-old girl that if she tied her stuffed animals together, they wouldn�t be any safer�they�d just be tied together, dahhling. (This made the girl cry.)

� My neighbor, who I thought was a very pragmatic and cynical Jewish woman.

� A woman who claimed to be a hermit. Judging from the hairdo, I�m buying it. It was long, bleach-blond, and tied up with about seven hair clips. Parts of it were braided and attached to a hairsprayed (and mighty impressive) modern take on the beehive. She was very nice and shared how much she liked spicy food.

After the eating and drinking, we all sat down to make our very own goddess crowns. (I�ve included instructions for making your own below.) With a bunch of wire, floral tape, and flowers, we fashioned headdresses that, while very fun, are not very functional. They do, however, appeal to my crafty side. I�ve been spending the last twelve hours trying to come up with an excuse to make these crowns again. My only reasonable thought so far: a luau party. Mark it on your calendars, kids. Upcoming luau party.

Goddess retreats aren�t all chocolate, booze, and floral headdresses. No, they are not. You have to put in serious emotional work, too. So, while we were sitting in the goddess circle and participating in crafts of the divine, we also had to take turns bearing our souls and confiding all manner of personal secrets to the group. The first woman confessed that she was raised in a very poor family�they didn�t have running water or modern toilets. Another woman told the group that her husband had Alzheimer�s and she was ditching him with his son so she could move to another city. The third woman told us about her eating disorder. And what did I add to the circle? �I work a lot and I�m studying really hard because I want to get into law school.� The women asked me questions like, �Why do you want to do that? What conflict do you deal with in your life? Are you happy with your life?� I finally told them that my extended family was Mormon and that seemed to satisfy them.

After the big confessions, we wrote our hopes and dreams for the future down on fancy stationery, placed the notes into a metal bowl, and proceeded to light them on fire. I maintained a straight face when they started chanting (for an entire five minutes). My arm fell asleep. The ashes were then thrown into a river several blocks away (we were all surprised that the river didn�t go up in flames�you never know what they�re dumping into the Platte these days). According to the pros, this ceremony is intended to make your wishes and dreams come true. So, basically, the entire deal was a glorified lotto ticket.

Om yadda whatever and cheers to Mother Earth and Cousin Summer.

How to Make Your Own Goddess Crown

Things You�ll Need

1. A bunch of roses or other flowers. (If roses, you�ll need at least twelve, but fifteen or sixteen is better.)

2. A lot of greenery (thyme, mint, vines, other green, leafy plants).

3. 1 roll of floral tape

4. A bunch (I have no idea how this is sold) of green floral wire.

Step 1

You�ll use two wires�loop them together so they look like the following drawing. (Make sure to twist after looping them together.)

Step 2

Use the floral tape to wrap the wire. Floral tape is sticky only when you pull it, so pull it a little while you�re wrapping (and try to make the wrapping as thin as possible�you don�t want it to be �padded� or anything).

Step 3

Wrap the wire around your head. Slightly bend the wires where they meet to mark the place where you�ll end the crown. Make a loop at one end of the wire (where you have marked it) and twist the remaining wire until you have only the loop on one end.

Step 4

Make sure to begin adding flowers to the other end of the wire, just beneath where you have marked it by bending it.

Step 5

Cut your roses and leave only the �bell� shape at the base of the flower. Cut the floral wire into smaller sections (approximately four inches each).

Step 6

Thread the floral wire through the bell base of the flower and twist both ends of the wire together all the way to the end of the wires. Wrap the wire with floral tape.

Step 7

Wrap the wire part of the flower around the beginning of your crown. Secure it with floral tape (don�t cut the tape�leave it attached to the roll). Add greenery, mint, etc. Use the floral tape to secure the greenery and smaller flowers to the crown (don�t use wire). Continue adding flowers and greenery however you�d like until you reach the end of the wire.

Step 8

Once you�ve finished, wrap the crown around your head and thread the straight end of the wire through the looped end of the wire. Twist the wires so they are secured. (You can also wire a bow to the crown for an added effect.) Voyle-ahh. You are a goddess. A seed of Mother Earth. Go forth and pollinate or something.